On Wednesday I went to my hospital appointment at the Immunology department at Kettering General. A bit of back story behind this appointment is that I've been struggling with allergies and breathing difficulties for nearly 4 years now ( apart from the animals, pollen and dust ones I've always had). Genuinely the argos catalogue now causes such bad reactions I cough until I'm sick and really struggle to breath (shopping is dangerous obviously, I should sue ;P)
My GP sent me to the immunology and allergy clinic a year ago but every time the appointment has come round I have been too poorly to make the appointment. Not just too poorly to sit in the car, walk in and sit in the waiting room as normal people do, but far too poorly to even travel on a stretcher by ambulance and lie on a hospital observation couch and be seen and then be stretchered back home like I had done the last few appointments. Last year I was just too weak, too many viruses and setbacks meant I just didn't have it in me to get there. We got kicked off the books for cancelling too many times and several GP referrals later we got it sorted so I had an all important must make it appointment on Dec 18th.
So this time I had to make it, yes to see the Dr and get treatment. But also, almost more importantly, to stop the drs coming to the conclusion I don't want to get better. Because if I can't make it into hospital unfortunately I can't receive any treatment from a consultant whatsoever and to get most things done that is who you really need to see in the NHS.
Hospital trips are horrific for me, as having been able to control level of noise light and temperature in my room constantly. Having everything so quiet and still and not moving very much at all for three years and having my little safe haven set up exactly as I need it limiting the amount I need to move and having everything readily accessible means leaving to go to hospital is so bewildering and disabling. It is like being an average person, never exercising apart from walking round the shops and expecting your body to cope when you get up one morning and on a whim decide to run a full marathon. No training, no slow build up. Just Wham!!! that's exactly what I have to expect my body to suddenly become accustomed to when I go to hospital. And because of that I get poorly, really poorly, and it is a pretty scary and incredibly daunting thing to have to do. We semi cope by a heck of a lot of forward planning, taking everything and the kitchen sink with us that I might need and a lot of painkillers and sick bowls. The temperature changes make me go into shock so a lot of blankets are needed and then fans and ice packs for how boiling the hospital is to stop me overheating, eyemasks, sunglasses, earplugs anything and everything to minimize the impact of how loud and bright and ill making the outside world is.
This time we created a bed out of sofa cushions so I could lie on the back seat as the last few trips waiting around for the ambulance people and being jostled around had been one of the most stressful parts of hospital trips, but it does mean a lot more physically. I have to sit up, transfer to my chair, sit on the stairlift, set up ramps and be wheeled out of the house climb into the car climb out the other side and transfer several times more. When usually I lie down and transfer very little in a day. My rubbishy muscles are also having to tense when jostled and moved in the car and chair readjusting to stop myself flopping around which they are totally unused to. The huge downside of not ambulancing is having to sit up the whole time from the car to the bed in the waiting room. The car bed is pretty comfy though but driving in the car made me incredibly dizzy and sick, and feel so unwell.
We somehow managed to not be able to find the right part of the hospital so had a lot of stress with having to get back into the car, ask directions and a whole lot of palava. So many times I said 'I cant do this it's too much I need to go home' but pushed through it and was so relieved and happy when I managed to stay through the whole appointment, despite shaking badly and throwing up before the appointment had even started. It was mostly down to the lovely nurse that I managed to stay.
This appointment was completely worth it though. The Dr was kind and understanding and the nurse had really gone out of her way to look after me and make sure I had somewhere quiet to rest with closed blinds, a blanket and an open window (a godsend to my rubbish temperature control). The Dr looked at the whole picture and discussed everything. The conclusions were that my stomach is having real problems and I need to be referred to a gastroenterologist, I need to be checked for rheumatoid arthritis and several allergies via blood tests done at home, I need to go to Leicester to confirm I'm lactose intolerant. And that several of my allergies are actually aggravated asthma and has put things in place to look into this. So much positive information came from it, and lots of referrals so hopefully with this and breakspear we can find a way forward.
Now I'm back home and in bed I am really really struggling. It is the hospital visit payback, but also I was woken at 9am after 4 hours sleep the day after hospital to be given my annual flu jab. People with M.E are known to overreact to any virus or bug no matter how small and it to make there symptoms generally worse so that even the tiny amount of dead virus in vaccines can have a big knock on effect on my M.E. I've generally been feeling really fluey, headachey, sick and like I have a temperature since. But especially with huge payback from the hospital everyday small getting ready tasks have become missions, and having a very small wash in bed has taken 3 days to complete and I've fallen asleep for three hours after each attempt. I'm getting breathless after sitting up for moments, and am pretty much constantly laid down resting.
I'm still doing phone calls and visits but they are making me feel very tired, and symptoms are so much worse than usual. It's also making texting and replying to messages really hard as my arms and my head aches pretty much constantly. I haven't even really been up to Piggly cuddles this week even when she's just asleep, darn body failure. This is why hospital visits are such a huge deal for me and cause so much anxiety, and we avoid them like the plague if we can. Last years hospital stay caused me to relapse like this for over 6 months. This time I have less than two weeks to recover before an even bigger ask of my body. To travel all the way to Hemel and have my breakspear consultation eep. At the moment I'm really not seeing myself being ok for it I'm just hoping I recover ASAP otherwise it may be postponed till I'm strong enough.
This sudden gear shift from normality to marathon running to oh great im massively disabled and can't do anything that I want or need to do is a huge thing to get used to, which I'm trying desperately not to have a tantrum over and rather see that meh yer its a bit rubbish for Christmas, but it'll be better soon, and there still is still good stuff now.
I'm really trying my hardest to be well enough to survive christmas visits and be able to take part in present opening and christmas dinner with my family (and that's unfortunately going to take waayyy more effort to achieve than it should) but I always enjoy Christmas and birthdays and celebrations even if I can only be part of small bits of them.
Rah over. If you read all that you deserve a medal :P but I just wanted to explain whats going on, why I'll be really quiet and why I'm not ignoring everyone honest I'm just generally a bit too rubbish to fb message and text back really at the moment.
All my love,
Emily xxx
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| (Artwork by TinyRed from Etsy ) |
Note: I found out this morning they can't do my blood tests from home and I may have to repeat this whole trip again solely to get a few bloods done as district nurses can't do these blood tests :'( it really seems to be one thing after another recently. We're trying our best to fight it though and find another way where I don't have to travel all the way back to hospital. (I honestly didn't write this as a tale of woe looking for sympathy or to moan I just wanted people to know whats happening without my standard response of 'Oh im going to breakspear soon' As I am, but that soon has moved a little further away just now. <3
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